How to get the old man to work around the house! Who was guilty? you decide!

A sweet little old lady with white hair and a dazzling smile told me this story.....Nope ! It wasn't Mom.......she would of never of told this story on herself!

This is,Her narration as close as I can remember, she's been dead and gone for several years...Besides, It's not like she was gonna' tell me the story again so I could write it for anyone else to read!!....Outta' the blue, she told me like THIS!

"I don't want you to be shocked by this.I was asleep, and I felt like I had to fart....I had no idea, it was anything but a fart...you know Laura, I have to take Milk of Mag every night to keep that working :any way!" I was a little shocked, for her to blurt out this story as she did. That is, with no prompting from ME. I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

"Well! I let 'er rip!" She smiled a big wise, old lady grin!" When I realized just what happened I was so disgusted.There was no use to run to the outhouse, I'd done the deed already...back then we didn't have no showers or tubs....we barely could afford rags!" She scratched her head a little."I sure used the heck out of that one!"

" I remember plain as day!" She had me at that entrance! She didn't need to embellish with truths about the depression era!"An old flower sack stood in for a wash cloth! We made lots of things out of flour sacks, We made curtains, night gowns and under drawers! When they were all worn out, we made rags out of them, there was rags to wash with, rags to dust with...and rags to tie your hair in curls! The stink that night would of curled your hair without them rags!"

She went back to her story."I was so quiet when I got outta' bed..I barely moved the blankets back, and slipped out of that bed......I lived in fear of wakin' that old man of mine! I really did NOT want to give him ammunition! He was always givin' me a bad time about any little thing! He enjoyed giving me grief! Remember, that big tomato you sent up here for us! It was huge, and red, and sweet. That mean old Fart ate it, every bite. He ate it in front of me and didn't give me one bite! I was still mad at him for THAT!" She was smiling again, I knew something interesting was coming!

" I got out of that bed and slipped soundlessly out of that room I fairly ran in to wash up.....wheweeeee! It stunk!.... I was sure It was all over me, but Somehow it seemed to me I MISSED my night gown....hummmmm!!! I wondered how that happened....while I stripped it off and took me a "wash".... I like to never get that smell out of my nose! Wow! I scrubbed and scrubbed and I could still smell it....Maybe I stepped in it!

"Ewwww! I thought," How embarrassing.The old man ain't ever gonna let me live this one down!!! " I thought that all to myself.After all, I didn't want to wake him up, talkin' to myself!..You know how you do sometimes! I was just amazed I didn't get my night gown all soiled....I was gon'na put on a new one any way! Maybe, there was some on it somewhere I didn't see.....I sure could smell it!"

"Mind Yah!...I wasn't ever gonna tell anyone this story....I was just gonna sneak back into bed and keep my mug shut......Don't you be tellin' anyone....Well! Anyone that knows ME!" She actually winked!

" I put on a different night gown cause I fancied could still smell it. I tip- tip- tippy- toed back to bed. I was quiet as a mouse! I really didn't want to wake up that old man!" She gestured with her hands about tippy toein' it up to bed...

She was nearly whispering."I folded the blankets back real careful like, so as not to wake him. Then I 'bout gagged....cause I got a real whiff!.... I threw back the bedding.....What A MESS!"

"Wake up! Old man! You done Shat the bed!" I whopped him with what ever came to hand.I beat him with an old rubber slipper, that fit over his "Romeos!" I was mad as a hornet....How dare him make a mess like that! He done got it all over me, Too! I was just to mad to think about what I was doing!"

"Up till then,Hubby was still sleeping like a rock..When he came to life it was with the realization .That he was sleepin in a stink so bad it would curl his eye brows!..The trap door on his long johns was down and it was Full! WHY that "S.O.B."...I thought to myself ...

I think that is when it dawned on me," 'twas my farts woke me up....My churning stomach...What was the chances of both of us having "green apple quick step" in the middle of the night? Somehow it flew over there and Filled up his drawers! It made some big stinky spatters on that bed , Too!"

I was beside myself with embarrassment!" She wiggled in her chair, she was still embarrassed to think of her actions.

"I couldn't back down NOW! I'd already woke the sleeping logger! What a wakin' up he GOT! He was stinkin' and smellin' and beat and battered! I knew in my own mind it was NOT his stink! I wasn't gonna' tell him that though; it was to damn late to wake him up gentle like!" She reddened like a school girl!

"So what could I do?" I Told him." Get Your lazy arse up and go wash!" Really Laura, I had to fix that bed...."

"I wasn't gonna sleep in my own stink!......" But of course I wasn't gonna' tell him who's stink it really was!

"Now the old man is gone, I'm kinda' ashamed of myself I didn't tell him it was me.....but, I really needed those shelves put into the root cellar....And he was so ashamed for "poopin'" on me---- he was sure good to work around the old place for a few days!He even mowed the lawn and got that new screen door up I'd been a-wantin' for a couple years!

Sleep well....and be careful of that Milk of Magnesia!

Laurel....

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